None-the-less

Isn’t it funny how all stories have a resolve, even though life doesn’t? If a story doesn’t have a climax/resolution, it will fall short. Even some remnant of one is necessary.
I read The Fault in Our Stars one Saturday, and since it took me just two days to finish it, it of course was a good read. It was well written, cause I mean, John Green just is a good writer. But it left me feeling empty. Not that all stories need to make me feel whole, but there was something missing after. Later that night I went to a concert for the band Gungor. They’re like a Christian band, or whatever, but they’re actually good, I promise. As I listened to them, I felt that feeling I had that I longed for in the novel, and to me this is completely personal. Maybe you can feel whole reading TFIOS, maybe someone listening to Gungor with impeccable music taste would say they felt nothing from it. What that feeling was is Hope. I also feel hope in (and mostly do) in non-Christian music, so lets not get that in our heads, it’s not about that. 
As you get older, you see that everyone becomes skeptical and bitter about the universe’s vengeance towards them. Everyone has deep problems, wearing them on their face instead of forming them in their hands like clay, letting them fall gently away. It’s offends the earth when we get mad at it – all it’s done is try to nourish you, care for you, love you. It can’t help that evil exists, and neither can you. 
I like things to be real, and that’s not my problem with the novel. Actually I have no problem with the novel or anyone, but it is hard to live in a world where we all watch movies that say something like, “Have the courage to fail and stick around. Make ’em wonder why you’re still smiling,” or get “que sera sera” tattooed and still frown at the snow that only wants you to not burn from the face of the sun, keeping order in the cycle of seasons. I want to catch people staring at the sky, in real life, fascinated that there are white things of gas that bring water to the ground so that we can live! I want to see people smiling, and maybe others will think they’re crazy, but maybe we need more crazy people. 
Let me also say that TFIOS was not hopeless, the writing and the characters have a sense of courage and hope and realness that would be hard for me to have in their situations, and it wasn’t the book itself that was hopeless, but it was ME. I looked at myself and saw that I am no different and even maybe I hate when people complain because it’s a mirror to myself. 
We lie to ourselves everyday when we think that tomorrow we will be happy, tomorrow we might have it figured out. Tomorrow you will be the same person you are today unless today you become someone else. You don’t have to transform into someone else, though. Actually, how about instead of changing, see with fresh eyes who you already are. As I similarly wrote in my recent story, weeds aren’t jealous of flowers and maybe we should learn a little something of weeds – be who we are even if we never become flowers. Maybe your story won’t resolve and it will be nothing more than a dandelion, a weed trying so hard to be a flower. 
My boyfriend was talking about how he wished his job was walking distance and not 45 minutes by bus, the conversation happening as we stood in the middle of March, shaking in the 16 degree weather. I quoted to him something from my favorite movie, Elizabethtown, “If it wasn’t this then it’d be something else,” and he asked why it had to be that way, and of course, I don’t know. No matter how much hope I or any person has in Jesus or their version of Jesus i.e. whatever we believe, we will never know the answers to our questions while on earth, and that’s what was missing after I read the book: answers.
We’ll never get them, though.
We need TFIOS novels and Gungor songs in our lives. Things that make us wonder and things that make us anew.
I also listened to the new Foster the People album, which is probably not “cool”, but I really don’t care because they are inspiring and talented. Here’s a line by the song, “Ask yourself”:
“The more I want the less I’ve got.”
It’s weird how all of these things happened right in a row, almost as if fated on purpose. That’s why I still have hope, nonetheless. Nonetheless, I still have hope even though the oblivion blinds us all with fear which is why chocolate ice cream and puppies exist and why babies are always toddling around laughing, cause this really is a beautiful world. Just turn your windshield wipers on and look past the junk for a change.

Published by celinamcmanus

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