The start of the year has been a bit hard for me—my anxiety is in full swing, meaning lots of doubt and lots of naps and oversleeping.
None of it’s practical of course, the loneliness or the frustration. I have a part time job that allows me to travel and visit my friend in Amsterdam this summer, I’m starting an editorial internship, I have another online job that gives me extra money, and I’ve been writing regularly.
But I cannot stop comparing.
I actually love coming to work. I love my regulars. I’m writing this at work right now (shh, don’t tell)—I just saw Deano, the two three-shot espresso guy from Luthania (if I remember correctly). I have flexibility and freedom, but my anxiety tells me I’m useless, unimportant. It tells me my writing won’t reach anyone, and it discourages me from sitting down in my free time to put my work on the dreaded submittable. It tells me that I should be somewhere else, that I am not loved, that I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But then I force myself to look around, and I love everything and everyone around me. Though it’s hard to be away from family except a few times a year, I am glad to be where I am, and happy that I am brutally honest on a blog that I know maybe a handful of people will read. I must keep fighting fear—I do not want to let it win. I don’t want anyone else to let fear win either, and I want to know and let anyone else know that the current world is only futile if we allow it. I believe I am not optimistic only in hopes to suffocate my anxiety, but because I have reason to be hopeful.
Reactions to David Bowie’s death have been intriguing to me. Here’s a tweet from one of my favorite musicians, the lead singer of The New Pornographers, and responses from skeptics, and then me:
People are fearful of this world. They see the change, the disruption, and flee into skeptical coats of complacency that will do nothing to change it. I knew it was far-fetched to tweet to a celeb, and it wasn’t for him to see but to be a different voice among these, just in case there was someone like me looking through those responses, searching for a small glimmer of hopefulness. It’s so easy to be discouraged and fearful, with all of our travesties, injustice, and numberous deaths. We all know this, and now few are oblivious, living in a self-inflicted ignorance. I can’t say that I am not skeptical a lot of the times, obviously, thus the post. But we must not curl-up, the instinct, succumbing to lies that make us feel small. When I think of the stars, the Galaxy, it does not make me feel small, but significant, because I am given the chance to live among them.