written 143 days ago, and though I’m in a different place, I’d like to post anyways as some of it’s still relevant (I forgot to I guess…??)

I have not recently been published in a journal nor do I work with words everyday, unless I choose to. I do have to wake up at 4:15 am to serve coffee for five hours, and I still have not traveled. These are in my plans, but what do I do when they aren’t happening right now, when we live in a world of constant communication, down to what people are watching on TV at this very moment?

On top of this, I struggle with anxiety and depression, as do many of us, and this requires for me to be in a continual community, which I’ve been lacking. Most of my favorite people are not in the same state as me, but the state they are in isn’t one I plan on living in ever again. I went to a school that was out of my price range and caused my family who raised me on ramen and small ideas to worry for even my ability to make decisions. I did this because I wanted to do something greater, go somewhere different, and be somewhere where I could do more, but that still hasn’t seemed to happen in my eyes.

I’ve always been the type of person who anticipates the next best thing, and I never can seem to enjoy what’s happening in the moment. I lived in a different city my first two years of college, Chattanooga, while my home town was Knoxville. I went back to Knoxville every weekend to see my boyfriend, family, new best friend, and I struggled even then to see the point of it all. As soon as I moved to Minnesota, my first two years, I longed for those years in Chattanooga, and I wished I spent more time there. I am in constant doubt, constant struggle to be doing what I feel my eight-year-old self would have wanted, though then I wanted to be in an all girl band, but things change.

And about change, I’m not good with that. I love the people I love with every part of me, and I don’t get it when they don’t exactly always feel the same. If you are a close friend to me, you will become one of my best friends because my heart has no walls, and it’s hard for me to see people move on, do bigger and better things, and sometimes this means moving on in friendships.

I’m often alone, and when I should be writing on the novel I want to pursue, I call all my friends to chat, to try and keep up, desperate even to keep something there that is slowly fading.

As a social media intern-made-manager of a small company, I have to be online more than I wished, I have to see people doing things, even though I am doing the things I need to be doing right now, and you know, I’m actually happy. But my doubt and anxiety won’t let me be sometimes. In this world, little things such as these actually help.

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And everything will be okay. But what about when I don’t feel like even writing or doing anything except watching Friends for three hours? It still will be okay. I’m not less of a person, and everything is where it needs to be right now.

Published by celinamcmanus

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